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07 September 2006 @ 01:33 pm
wow thats weird.
my body is still acting as though its in its fertile time of the month
(i don't have a consitant cycle at all)
and yet POW i just started pms'ing aparently. i'm hounestly ready to cry about anything.

shit. this is really bad, like mood swing so bad right now.
AND i sort of have a mini interveiw in.... 1.5 hours
along with hour+ of paper work to fill out to apply for a job.
oh dear.

i think i'm going to go and cry now perhaps? get it our ahead of the interveiw.. but then eyes puffty
GRRR.

i wish i had a cycle, i wish i knew when to expect things.
i wish i didn't randomly get my pms, or "dms" or "ams" haha.
ok then.
i need a hug
 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
 
 
29 August 2006 @ 04:40 pm
So I just saw a new doctor today - and had to miss my whole day of work (backstory: I'm a student studying philosophy/healthcare ethics and I work as a makeup artist. Today, at the counter I work at, we had a huge corporate visit). This was a new GYN, supposdly a follow up from when I went to the ER a few weeks ago (I"ve been diagnosed with stage IV endo, and have had six laps/D&Cs).

So I go see the new doctor and it's in their "Family Planning" area. Great, I'm surrounded my kids. Then I actually see the doctor. Of course, the exam hurts. Then he basically explains that there's nothing he can do, I'm a hopeless case. I could get a hysterectomy but the endo would probably come back. He suggests I apply for SSI disability and offers me painkillers. That's it. That's all. I shouldn't have more surgeries, as the endo apparently comes back. I should just take painkillers and not work. He puts his hand on my arm and explains that I need to realize that this is a chronic problem that won't go away. I left the office...

and cried til I got to my apartment. I couldn't go into work b/c I looked like such crap. How can we have a corporate visit when my eyes are swollen up and i can't stop crying? See how fab our new mascara is, especially when streaking down my cheeks for that heroin chic look? Not quite.

Anyone else dealt with this sort of crap?

(x-posted to endometriosis)
 
 
12 August 2006 @ 11:55 pm
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKK!!!

i want to scream this at the top of my fucking lungs. i want someone to just take it away. i want for just ONCE someone next to me who KNOWS what i'm going through, someone who goes through the exact same pain as me and i can hug them, and cry on their shoulder and have them say "i know, i know" and not feel like yelling back at them and say "no you DON'T fucking know!!!!" i want someone to hug me, let me cry, and tell me they know, tell me they understand -- and they actually DO.

i want to throw something across the room. i want to break glass against the wall. i want to stand at the beach and kick the water and not know if the salty water on my face is from the ocean or from my tears. i want to be able to walk past a woman on the street, have us both look at each other with a feeling of understanding because somehow we both know we each have endo, and we both understand each other.

i want for just one moment for people to stop being so fucking optimistic. i want for people, for one moment, to just let me say "i might never EVER get better!!" and i want them to say "i know." don't fucking say you're sorry. dont' fucking say i don't know that for certain. don't fucking say that one day there might be a cure. don't fucking say to just wait, time will tell.

THAT DOESN'T HELP ME RIGHT NOW!!!

let me feel sorry for myself. let me sit here and cry. let me know that my body has failed me... and just let me cry about it. don't try to cheer me up this time, don't try to be optimistic, and stop refusing to accept that i'll always have to deal with this and therefore may always be in pain and be battling it.

x posted to my own journal
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
01 August 2006 @ 04:22 pm
I am so tired of not functioning, of standing up and having tunnel vision and feeling like I am going to fall back down. I am sick of being on drugs, of Lupron, of the pain, of these hotflashes that have robbed me of three months of sleep.
I am miserable. I dont know if there are even words to articulate this sense of frustration. I am tired of being up at 2 am, 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, and then being consumed by pain until the bitch of a painkiller kicks me and makes me want to puke and claw my own face off. I cannot believe that Percocet is NOT working!!
I want to cry and scream but it sets off more cramps and triggers hotflashes (whenever I get at all stressed). I have hotflashes several times an hour. It is 46 degree celcius or something in Toronto today and I am boiling alive.

Please please please kill me.

Do I really have all this pain to look forward to for the rest of my life? Is it always going to be this way? So far, no treatment has helped and I am getting worse by the day.
When does this end?

I tell you no lie, I feel exactly like a chemo patient. I am swelling up and nauseous and NOT functioning.
 
 
13 June 2006 @ 12:24 pm
You know you're in a bad place when it hurts to sit.

My insides are on fire.
 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
 
13 June 2006 @ 10:35 am
today will be the 3rd time i've missed a test/ quiz because of my endo for the summer semester. THIRD. i have a midterm today.. and i just had to email my prof saying i couldn't make it. yesterday the cramps weren't letting me go to class and now they're not letting me go do a test. it's so frustrating because i just wish i could live my life like a normal fucking student for my last semester. but no. and then when i finally do give in to the endo i feel guilty, feel angry, feel like "well maybe i could just go...." but then i feel the twinge of pain and know that even if i went to class, i'd be in so much pain i'd fail anyway.

and then i feel weak because so many other people go to class when they have so much shit to deal with. why can't i just deal with it too. so what if i can't move... can barely walk... i'm sitting here and i've got needles all over my cervix and my ovaries feel like they're burning. walking hurts. i woke up and stretched and thought that my uterus was going to snap in half and then the pain just started. i took two tylenol 3s and i've got some time until they start working.

sigh. i just feel like everyone thinks i'm lying. i feel like everyone says i'm using this as an excuse, like i'm using this as an advantage. no one understands and all i want to do is sit down and cry and make the pain go away and get my fucking life back. i just... i just want my life back.
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
12 June 2006 @ 08:08 am
Menthol muscle cream and hot flashes =

BAD IDEA
 
 
23 May 2006 @ 07:02 pm
i realized last night that i had taken 100 T3s in the past month for the pain. 100. that's a LOT. i'm taking on average 6 a day, but occassionally 8. i had one left after my 2 i took this morning so i had to go to the doctor to get another prescription. i'm seeing my new gynaecologist a week tomorrow and i'm hoping that he'll be somewhat compassionate, intelligent, etc.

the fucking doctor i saw today, wasn't my regular doctor. i was thinking "why on earth would i wait an extra 20 minutes to see the dude i normally see when i could just be in and out in about 2 minutes... it's all there in my chart that i've been on T3s for a long time... he shouldn't question it."

he didn't. he didn't question it. he fucking LAUGHED. LAUGHED. i couldn't believe it i was SO fucking shocked. i'm sitting there he comes in (he's also the same doctor that told me and my ex 2 years ago when i went on lupron -- apparently if you have the prescription from another clinic but get it administered in a different one a dr needs to talk to you -- and told me and my ex that because i had endo we were going to have to "toss the frisbee in early" because my "fertility window is closing"... assuming that me and my ex were in a permanent relationship, and he didn't fucking know ANYTHING about my endo!! how fucking dare he make that comment???) and says "so what can i do for you?" i say simply "i just need a prescription filled for tylenol 3." he starts to write it out, "how many would you like?" i say "well i'm seeing my new gynaecologist next week so he might give me more or a different pain killer so i dunno, but i went through 100 in a month, i just ran out this morning." he starts to laugh and looks at me, "you used 100 in a month? hahahaha, ok then, i'll give you 100!"

i'm sitting there thinking... he didn't just laugh. he DIDN'T just FUCKING laugh at the fact that i am in so much pain that i NEED those. he said "well, you know there are other medications that deal with endo" and i cut him off (i'm already pissed) and say "i've tried a lot. i tried lupron -" and he starts to interrupt me with "i was going to suggest that" and i keep going with "progesterone therapy, provera, the mirena iud, acupuncture, herbs, etc." he asks if any helped. i said the mirena did with acupuncture and herbs. he asked why i had it removed. i said i wasn't comfortable with the idea of not menstruating anymore, my fertility is too important to me -- though now i'm having to reconsider if inhibiting my body from menstruating is going to be the best for my endo because then maybe it can't grow. he says "well i don't understand why you'd remove it if it worked. i just don't understand why you would do that." i said there just weren't enough studies telling me that this was ok, then he started making up this bullshit crap that i started to tune out too.

then. hahaha... THEN! he starts to ask why i am seeing a new gynaecologist. i said that i don't like the guy who i was first seeing because i found him to be condescending and i don't appreciate that attitude. he fucking validates my old gyno by saying "well *laughing* sometimes it's a good thing with those guys because then they're at least confident... they think they know what they're doing so they make a decision that another doctor who isn't quite so confident might not make."

i just stared at him and said, "i want a doctor who knows what he or she is doing... not just thinks they know." he just stopped, had a bit of a smirk still on his face but looked shocked at what i said and the seriousness of my face. i said i didn't appreciate it when i would ask my old gyno questions and he would just say "well i don't know why that would happen..." or "i don't know the answer to that." ok... if you don't, then fucking look it up. i was doing my own research anyway for my undergrad thesis on endo, but when i'm finding info out that my gyno could have found in 2 minutes and this is his fucking job and he didn't bother? that says something. it's his JOB. he went to how many years of school to become a gynaecologist? and what, now that he's got the fucking title he's just too damn busy? he just decides that he knows everything and doesn't need to further look into anything? REALLY!?

and then... .to top off the wonderful visit with a fucking cherry, this asshole of a doctor decides to say "well... i'm sure we'll be seeing you often enough -- if not because of treatments for your endo, which is such a nasty disease-" (yeah cuz he fucking knows right?) "then at least for your digestive system... if it's still working from all the T3s you've been taking." he laughs. i get up, and walk out with prescription in hand thinking... that didn't just happen.

cross posted to feminist_rage
 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
16 May 2006 @ 07:46 am
How is it that today I have to start my placement in office and I have the worst cramps of my life??? - I was up all night with them (no percocet isnt helping! and its not like I can take a painkiller!) I am supposed to go to this office lunch thing to an indian restaurant - which normally I love- but today I am so on the verge of being physically sick. I dont even want to try and stand up straight.
Horrible timing.
Just horrible.
Cant work at children's aid while on narcotics!
Can someone just put me out of my misery? I am so frustrated I could scream and cry.. but that would made it hurt more.
Wish me luck!