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19 February 2007 @ 05:22 am
It's after 5 am right now, and I haven't been to sleep all night...

why, would you ask? - pain

stupid, excruciating, ridiculous pain... shooting up my back, down my legs, and feeling like someone is slowly grinding glass into my abdomen

i have taken ibuprofen like advised before... and i feel like begging for the morphine they gave me after my surgery in the fall.... and for those close to me... you know i hate taking meds - hell, i piss my docs off because i take as little medication as possible... until a health problem demands it... then i take it till i can manage without it again

this pain needs to stop - and i know the doc will give me a hard time... the nurse practitioner practically spit out that the doc doesn't like to do ablations - especially for people my age (almost 21). she pushed me to go with the second choice... the one i really don't want... which is having my uterus ganked out

i'm terrified of surgery... i hate having it done... i really would rather have the lining ablated, and a button hole incision made, verses slicing me open for a full hysterectomy

i need this pain to stop though... and i'm not sure what to do about it...

i lay in bed for a good long while tonight, before getting back up... rocking back and forth on my side, trying not to puke from the pain... and wishing sleep would come so i wouldn't have to deal with this

here i am... in bed with someone i love more than myself (most days anyhow... hahaha)... yet i feel so alone... he sleeps so peacefully... and i know he'd feel guilty if he knew he was sleeping through my pain... but i can't bear to wake him.. because i know he'll lie here, feeling helpless he can't remove my pain... and i'll feel terrible keeping him awake, when he has work and class, and other things that are just as important to him as myself...

my head hurts... my whole body hurts.. and the pain gets so bad down my legs at times, that they feel somewhat numb... and then i freak, because i can't feel my legs...

i just want sleep... i just want to feel better...

i just want to be healthy.

why can't that happen? why is my life such a freakin uphill battle?
Ashcathubodva on February 19th, 2007 10:37 am (UTC)

Having a hysterectomy doesn't necessarily mean having your entire abdomen cut open. I had a hysterectomy in December of 2005, and I only have the three standard incisions from a lap - one in my belly button and one just above each hip. It's called a laparoscopic-assisted vaginal hysterectomy, and I'd definitely recommend having that done, if you're going to have one at all.
Ashley: Firefly - Inara In Shadow (Half Face)ramblng_tigress on February 19th, 2007 10:44 am (UTC)
i'd rather have an ablation and tubal ligation done, since the majority of the problem trying to keep the cysts and growths down with meds is that my uterine lining gets so thin that when i do have a mensis, it tears chunks out of my uterine wall..

last time it happened, i said no more meds, that i wanted surgery... now it looks like i'm going to be sweet talked into a hysto, when i'd rather go less invasive

just to ask... did you feel... different after yours? i'm worried i'll feel like something is missing... plus i heard that it can mess up your sex drive...

sorry if these are personal questions... i just don't know anyone around that has had one that i can talk to about it openly...
Ashcathubodva on February 19th, 2007 10:52 am (UTC)
If a hyst is not what you want and you feel you're going to be pressured into it, you really need to see a new doctor. I know it's hard, but try to remember - it's your body, it's your decision.

I do feel different. I'm having a hard time with it now because I don't feel feminine anymore. But really? I've been almost completely pain free for the last six months or so. I've never felt so good physically.

As for my sex drive - I have none, but I don't know if that's the hyst. I've never had much of a sex drive. Even prior to the surgery, my husband (then fiance) and I could go weeks without sex.

I don't mind answering the questions. If you want, feel free to join my community - hysterectomies.
fahcue24fahcue24 on March 6th, 2007 06:19 am (UTC)
I totally understand...
I am a 24 year old female named Leah. I was diagnosed with endo when I was 20 and it has been HELL!
First of all, my Doctors told me I couldn't have children because my endo was so severe. So now, not only did I have the pain everyday..but I am also depressed because I am too scarred in my uterus to bear children.
Then, at 22, I had been diagnosed with PCOD. I had a laparascopy to remove a cyst from my right ovary. The Docs put me on very strong birth controls pills to help both conditions...WITHOUT giving me a pregnancy test!!!
Turns out..I was 8 weeks pregnant! I was so happy, but at the same time, I wanted to kill my doctors. I had been taking very strong BC pills while I was pregnant with a miracle child. Everything turned out OK..I have a beautiful and Healthy 8 month old daughter, Ava.
SOOO the curse continues!!! About 2 months ago I started getting very bad pains that shot down my right leg and made it almost impossible to care my baby. I went to the doctor for an ultrasound and GUESS WHAT?!! I have a 7 cm cyst on the same right ovary. I was told that surgery would only make the endo even more severe and that I should wait 6-8 weeks for another ultrasound to see if it the cyst shrinks. It seems like they don't understand how painfull these conditions are. "Here is a script for 800mg Ibuprofen..get the hell outta my office you whiny little bitch." LOL not verbatim of course..hehe
I dunno if you can call this lucky, but I got into a car accident and that is how I got myself pain medicine...reporting fake whiplash so that I could get control of the pain I have been going through for 4 years!
There is really nothing anyone can do for you except control the pain with narcotics, or have a full or partial hysterectomy.
I hope this helped you somehow...the next time you go to the doctor..cry and tell them you are not leaving unless they give you something for pain because your quality of life is awful.
Ashley: Firefly - Inara In Shadow (Half Face)ramblng_tigress on March 6th, 2007 09:44 am (UTC)
Re: I totally understand...
having surgery does NOT make endo more severe, unless your doc is a moron and screws it up

i've had three surgeries done, each time because of severe endo problems, and it corrected the issue well enough for me to have a semblance of a normal life for a while

i'd suggest finding yourself a comprehensive gynecologist who specializes in ovo-uterine problems, and see what they say. if your problem is repeated cysts in the same spot, i'd suggest going my route, and having the trouble ovary removed. i had my right ovary removed in september, because the pain was unbearable, and i don't regret it at all

if nothing else, you've been able to fulfill your wish of motherhood, so you could always consider the extreme solution

as for your pain problems, i'd strongly recommend you find a doctor who can help you with a pain regimen... the pain meds they give for things like whiplash, and for things like endo can vary GREATLY... a lot of times for endo, they'll mix an anti-inflammatory and a pain pill to help the primary symptoms, and taking the wrong pain meds could just mean your ignoring pain that you should be feeling otherwise...

i learned the hard way about that... i was taking the pain meds prescribed for my back, instead of asking for the correct meds for the endo, and it blocked most of my pain 3 years ago... by the time i was in excruciating pain, they HAD to operate, and found i had a huge cyst folding over the top of my uterus, partially deforming it. the doctor was surprised i could walk, seeing as it was right next to a primary nerver bundle...

what state are you in? have you tried finding a specialist like a comprehensive gyno or an endocrinologist for dealing with your endo?

good luck!