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20 January 2007 @ 01:05 am
i recently broke up with my incredibly supportive boyfriend. i am having a really difficult time with the break up itself, but what i hate the most is knowing that i have lost not only my best friend, but someone who always used to help me through all the fucking cramps. i hate that i pushed him away... and i hate that i pushed him away and a huge factor of that was my endo.

i hate that having stress in my life equals more cramps, which means i get more stressed out, which means i get even stronger cramps. i hate having to do this on my own.

i hate that my endo makes me want to push people away because i don't want them to have to deal with me and my cramps. i hate that i can't tell people what to do to make me feel better even though i want them to help me but at the same time don't want them to do anything because i don't want to be a fucking burden. i hate that endo makes me feel like a burden. i hate that i can't believe people when they say it's not or that i'm not a burden.

i hate that i don't even know WHAT would make me feel better because i push people away so that they don't see me like this so i never have anyone around me when i -am- in pain. i hate how i want to be alone and don't want to be alone at the same time because of this.

i hate everything that this has done to my life. i hate it i hate it i hate it.
Current Mood: angryangry
Ashcathubodva on January 20th, 2007 12:11 pm (UTC)
...plasticjsus on January 22nd, 2007 10:29 pm (UTC)
sorry dear. as if occasionally battling depression weren't bad enough for me, the endo has turned me into a raging psychotpath! depression on a whole new plain!
ex_angry_ph on January 23rd, 2007 12:06 am (UTC)
i so totally hear and understand that... my depression really worsened when the endo got worse. sigh. what a life, eh?