a friend of mine posted something on the endo lj comm today. she said this at the bottom:
They try so hard to be understanding and they don't realize it just makes everything worse because they. can. never. understand. Never. No one can. You can't understand unless you have it. There are no words to describe how awful this is. How depressing. How ruining. How hopeless.
it frustrates me how i get so angry. i would never wish a life with endo on anyone... it's been one of the hardest, if not, -the- hardest thing to ever deal with. people try to be understanding. they do. i know they do. they try to be sympathetic and i know they're being genuine. i know that. but why do i get so fucking furious sometimes. it's just like, suddenly something snaps and i don't know WHERE it comes from, but the genuine caring that i appreciate suddenly just makes me so angry and i feel like yelling, telling whoever is saying "i know it's hard" or "i'm so sorry you have to deal with this" to just go fuck off. you don't know it's hard. you could see me everyday, like many of my friends did last year, my friend erin for example, who i lived with... saw me everyday.... and she still doesn't know what i went through. she doesn't feel it. if you don't feel it, you don't know. you can see me crying on the floor, gasping for air, not being able to talk i'm in so much pain... and you still don't know.
and don't be sorry. it's not your fault. it's something i've learned how to deal with. i just... i get so angry. i don't know WHY!!! i'm turning into a broken record here. but all i can say is that i just get mad. i don't know why. and i'm sorry if i snap at you. it just sucks that no matter what anyone could do for me, i'll appreciate it one moment... the next i'll just want to say "back off" and do it all myself. because i need to prove to myself that i -can- do it myself. i need to feel like even though i live with a disease like endo, i can still be independent, i can still do it all myself, i can still take care of myself. yes, it's nice to have a break... but then i feel like endo has beaten me, that it's won. people get a headache and keep going on with their day...
it's like from the movie prozac nation... "normal people, they cut themselves, they put a bandaid on, they keep going." the doctor asks "and what do you do?" she responds... "i just keep bleeding." i just keep going... because i know i have to. sometimes taking that break, as relieving as it could be... makes me feel defeated. and there isn't anything you can say or do to make me feel differently.
xposted to my own journal