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13 July 2008 @ 09:31 pm
I recently had a vulvar cyst removed. Originally my specialists said it was not a batholin cyst as it was quite deep but since surgery and the removal a few days ago she has said it is a batholin cyst BUT it has the appearance of a chocolate cyst or endometrioma so this confused them. They need to get it tested and i will find out the results in a few weeks! I am quite anxious about finding out the results! I have a history of severe, extensive endo and getting an endometrioma in my vulva (of all places) is just....devastating. The surgery was painful and I have stitches in my labia that hurt quite a bit :( I just dont know what to make of all of this. I have had so many gynolgical health issues I cant take it anymore....

Cant take this anymore :(
20 November 2007 @ 08:43 pm
Today I had a meeting with my theatre advisor to discuss my audition. I didn't get into the acting sequence and I wanted to know what I could improve for the next time around.

She ended up telling me that me, as a person (not as a character or actress) that I was too mature for my age (she didn't believe me at first when I told her I was 20. She thought I was 24-26), too smart and too intimidating.

I ended up crying, mostly because the stress of my life (I'm getting evicted, have no place to live and get to sleep in my car for at least a week just when it's starting to snow in my town) and she seemed very pleased. Told me that that's what she wanted me to show the world.

When I got home, I got mad. This woman is someone I admire incredible. But she's also spent maybe 10 minutes 1 on 1 time with me, most of which was me pretending tobe another character (auditions) or us discussing my class schedule.

You know why I act like I'm 26 when I'm only 20? It's because I've been through a ton of shit in my life. I have a fucking disease that saps me of my strength and my fertility and my health and my mental stableness. I act old because otherwise doctors don't listen to me. I'm mature because I spent 7 years of my life being told that the pain was all in my head. I'm mature because I had to have a fucking surgery at age 17 and take care of myself afterwards. I'm mature because I know what it's like to do a fucking physical comedy audition when you're hemorraghing and there's blood running down your legs. I'm mature because I can spend 8 hours building sets when I'm in so much pain that it would make half of the big burly men on carpentry crew cry like little babies. I'm mature because I can wake up in the morning and realize that I'm covered in blood and that while I was asleep, I bled through my entire matress. I'm mature because I'm a woman, not a girl, and because I have this fucking disease and I grew up fast because that's what you do when you're in pain all the time. You don't get to be a kid. You aren't afforded that luxury. It's hard and it sucks and you want to scream, but you deal and you get tough because there is no other fucking way to survive it.

And I don't cry every five seconds or be all emotional like all the sheltered freshman I'm surrounded by because I am strong. Because I deal with my private life and I have an incredibly high pain tolerance for mental and physical pain. I'm not like that because I cannot afford to be like that. I do not have the time to cry and feel sorry for myself because you know what? At this point, by the time I'm 30, this fucking disease will have taken over somuch that one day I'll wake up and I won't be able to push back at it and that'll be it.

I know that I cannot say this to her.
I wish I could.
But would she even understand?
Can anyone but you guys even comprehend what we go through?

14 July 2007 @ 03:34 pm
Dear Body,
Please take the pointy knife bits and go away.  2 Ibuprofen kind of makes me loopy and I have work to do that needs non loopy brain.
Please also be taking the faulty plumbing with you...I dont need replacements.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: soresore
19 February 2007 @ 05:22 am
It's after 5 am right now, and I haven't been to sleep all night...

why, would you ask? - pain

stupid, excruciating, ridiculous pain... shooting up my back, down my legs, and feeling like someone is slowly grinding glass into my abdomen

i have taken ibuprofen like advised before... and i feel like begging for the morphine they gave me after my surgery in the fall.... and for those close to me... you know i hate taking meds - hell, i piss my docs off because i take as little medication as possible... until a health problem demands it... then i take it till i can manage without it again

this pain needs to stop - and i know the doc will give me a hard time... the nurse practitioner practically spit out that the doc doesn't like to do ablations - especially for people my age (almost 21). she pushed me to go with the second choice... the one i really don't want... which is having my uterus ganked out

i'm terrified of surgery... i hate having it done... i really would rather have the lining ablated, and a button hole incision made, verses slicing me open for a full hysterectomy

i need this pain to stop though... and i'm not sure what to do about it...

i lay in bed for a good long while tonight, before getting back up... rocking back and forth on my side, trying not to puke from the pain... and wishing sleep would come so i wouldn't have to deal with this

here i am... in bed with someone i love more than myself (most days anyhow... hahaha)... yet i feel so alone... he sleeps so peacefully... and i know he'd feel guilty if he knew he was sleeping through my pain... but i can't bear to wake him.. because i know he'll lie here, feeling helpless he can't remove my pain... and i'll feel terrible keeping him awake, when he has work and class, and other things that are just as important to him as myself...

my head hurts... my whole body hurts.. and the pain gets so bad down my legs at times, that they feel somewhat numb... and then i freak, because i can't feel my legs...

i just want sleep... i just want to feel better...

i just want to be healthy.

why can't that happen? why is my life such a freakin uphill battle?
20 January 2007 @ 01:05 am
i recently broke up with my incredibly supportive boyfriend. i am having a really difficult time with the break up itself, but what i hate the most is knowing that i have lost not only my best friend, but someone who always used to help me through all the fucking cramps. i hate that i pushed him away... and i hate that i pushed him away and a huge factor of that was my endo.

i hate that having stress in my life equals more cramps, which means i get more stressed out, which means i get even stronger cramps. i hate having to do this on my own.

i hate that my endo makes me want to push people away because i don't want them to have to deal with me and my cramps. i hate that i can't tell people what to do to make me feel better even though i want them to help me but at the same time don't want them to do anything because i don't want to be a fucking burden. i hate that endo makes me feel like a burden. i hate that i can't believe people when they say it's not or that i'm not a burden.

i hate that i don't even know WHAT would make me feel better because i push people away so that they don't see me like this so i never have anyone around me when i -am- in pain. i hate how i want to be alone and don't want to be alone at the same time because of this.

i hate everything that this has done to my life. i hate it i hate it i hate it.
Current Mood: angryangry
08 January 2007 @ 10:36 am
I don't often actually rant at my body, much as I feel I want to. No point, is there. But for God's sake body, will you give me a bloody break? It's the last (hopefully) period before all the nasty bits are cut out of you, can't you let up for a minute? I mean, come on. All I am making you do is sit here and attempt to type, how hard is it to not hurt? I have given you painkillers, what, you want more codine? You want all my other organs to bugger up as well? Is it not enough to ensure that I can't wear 80% of my jeans because of bloating, you have to make sure that everything else is crap to. Well bollocks to you.

/end rant.
Current Mood: monumentally pissed off
Current Music: Jameroqui
03 December 2006 @ 07:00 pm
i have endo and i haven't gotten a lot of answers. in my search for fertility and my answers of came a cross this and found it intesting enough to want to share with you all. if you have endo, have ever had a misscarriages, failed round after round of ivf, or POF you should read it.Read more...Collapse )
29 November 2006 @ 11:55 pm
endo rant (this may get long)Collapse )

x-posted to a couple endo comms, my lj and my myspace

if this didn't all seem connected - i'm sorry... it's been a really long day and i'm sick (again). i should have been in bed an hour ago, but unfortunately i don't seem likely to meet my friend sleep for at least another 30 mins.
10 November 2006 @ 02:40 am
Has anyone here had a hypogastric plexus block? One with Kenalog? If you have, please respond here with details/experience. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.


x-posted like mad
02 November 2006 @ 12:44 pm
a friend of mine posted something on the endo lj comm today. she said this at the bottom:

They try so hard to be understanding and they don't realize it just makes everything worse because they. can. never. understand. Never. No one can. You can't understand unless you have it. There are no words to describe how awful this is. How depressing. How ruining. How hopeless.

it frustrates me how i get so angry. i would never wish a life with endo on anyone... it's been one of the hardest, if not, -the- hardest thing to ever deal with. people try to be understanding. they do. i know they do. they try to be sympathetic and i know they're being genuine. i know that. but why do i get so fucking furious sometimes. it's just like, suddenly something snaps and i don't know WHERE it comes from, but the genuine caring that i appreciate suddenly just makes me so angry and i feel like yelling, telling whoever is saying "i know it's hard" or "i'm so sorry you have to deal with this" to just go fuck off. you don't know it's hard. you could see me everyday, like many of my friends did last year, my friend erin for example, who i lived with... saw me everyday.... and she still doesn't know what i went through. she doesn't feel it. if you don't feel it, you don't know. you can see me crying on the floor, gasping for air, not being able to talk i'm in so much pain... and you still don't know.

and don't be sorry. it's not your fault. it's something i've learned how to deal with. i just... i get so angry. i don't know WHY!!! i'm turning into a broken record here. but all i can say is that i just get mad. i don't know why. and i'm sorry if i snap at you. it just sucks that no matter what anyone could do for me, i'll appreciate it one moment... the next i'll just want to say "back off" and do it all myself. because i need to prove to myself that i -can- do it myself. i need to feel like even though i live with a disease like endo, i can still be independent, i can still do it all myself, i can still take care of myself. yes, it's nice to have a break... but then i feel like endo has beaten me, that it's won. people get a headache and keep going on with their day...

it's like from the movie prozac nation... "normal people, they cut themselves, they put a bandaid on, they keep going." the doctor asks "and what do you do?" she responds... "i just keep bleeding." i just keep going... because i know i have to. sometimes taking that break, as relieving as it could be... makes me feel defeated. and there isn't anything you can say or do to make me feel differently.

xposted to my own journal
Current Mood: angryangry